Lisbon in Wonderland
by ShunKickShunKers
Summary: One night, Lisbon works too late and sees a white rabbit...wait, what's a white rabbit doing in CBI Office? a oneshot of complete nonsense and slight Jisbon xD


**I swear I dunno where **_**that one**_** came from (wait, I do know –stupid dream two days ago). Just a quick short oneshot to get it out of my mind xD. For those who expect a sort of more or less copy of the book, sorry, only a few passages are mentioned. **

**Rated T for lan****guage, naked Jane and Lisbon thinking slightly pervert things…nothing too bad though xD**

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Mental****ist but I do own this nonsense. My grammar isn't the best, hope you'll enjoy it anyway –won't blame you if you don't ;)**

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**Lisbon in Wonderland**

Lisbon was working at her desk past the hours, as usual. The clock hit ten when she finally realized how late it really was. She put down her pen and rubbed her eyes. When she lifted up her head, she noticed her door was opened and…a white rabbit was standing on its back feet and eyeing her? She blinked, once, twice, certain in was due to the tiredness. Indeed, the animal disappeared at the second blink and she smiled, amused with her own subconscious. She was very tired. If Jane was there, he would scold her for working so late…despite being the responsible for it. She stood up and took her jacket before freezing on spot. The white rabbit was still there, now on her desk, sniffing the papers she had carefully filled a few minutes ago.

"Hey go away" she said annoyed and afraid it would relieve itself on the files. The animal stood on its back feet again, and eyed her with a severe glance:

"Agent Lisbon, that's no way to treat a visitor."

Lisbon's eyes nearly popped out of her head.

_It talks?_

Then she saw the rabbit take out a watch from under his fur. _Where did it hide it? And more important; what was rabbit doing with a watch?_

"Oh, nearly ten thirty. I am so late!"

He hopped off her desk and rushed out of her office. Lisbon blinked and, following her curious instinct, stormed out of her office, hoping to catch it. She trailed –or ran behind (sue her it was fast!)- the tiny white animal through the CBI up to the interrogation room. The rabbit jumped high enough to push the door open and sneaked in. Lisbon followed, but as soon as she put a foot on the floor of the room the said floor disappeared.

"What the f…" her word ended in a long surprised scream as she fell through a large tunnel dug in the dirt.

The first few minutes, shock prevented her from thinking correctly. Then, noticing she had been falling for a while, she got a grip on herself and managed to analyse more or less her surroundings. All around her, tables, boards, papers, in files, chairs and cans were accompanying her in the fall or floating in the air. A small mirror resting on a nearby desk reflected her messy hair. _I really need a haircut, _she thought after a quick glance in it before blinking in disbelief. _Where did that one come from? s_he wondered, annoyed with her own reflexion.

The fall lasted an eternity in her mind, though if she checked her watch it had been fifteen minutes. When she finally saw a white ending, she was torn between relief and anguish: what if she hit the ground too fast?

To her great relief and amazement, she landed clumsily on a huge green leaf belonging to the largest flower – a begonia – she'd ever seen. Her back hit the leaf flat and she had to stand still a few moments, groaning from the numbness of her back. Later, she managed to stand up and let herself slide on the ground. A dry path was sneaking through what looked like a huge garden. The unusual height of the plants left her speechless. Weeds and flowers as high as small buildings, mushrooms and fallen leaves twice her size…After a few minutes of walking and discovering, she was torn between amazement and panic. What was this place and how come something so huge existed under the CBI building? She would have to ask Hightower if she knew about it…

"_There was a boy, a very strange, enchanted boy…"_

Lisbon froze at the sound of a man singing. The sound reassured her at first; she wasn't alone in there. She looked around, the voice being quite close, and yet she couldn't see anyone.

"…_travelled very far, very far, over lands and sea…"_

Somewhere on her right…following the path….She moved forward, noticing the sound was louder as she went on.

"…_is just to love, and be loved in return."_

_There!_ she thought when she spotted a silhouette standing on something tall, like another plant or…a venomous mushroom? When she stepped closer, Lisbon realised that it was Cho. At first, the sight of the man reassured her. Then, she started to feel something was off. Why was he wearing an ugly green T-shirt with 'ZEN' written in capital yellow letters and flashy Bermuda? And above all, what was he doing sitting on a mushroom smoking…hookah?

"Cho?" she called nevertheless. The man stared at her deadpan.

"Cho?" he repeated on a lazy, low tone. "Who is Cho?"

"You are obviously" Lisbon retorted, almost angrily. He was making fun of her when they were visibly in a strange environment? "Where are we? What is this place?"

The Asian man took a deep inhalation and breathed out a huge, foggy cloud of smoke.

"Where, why" he repeated. "People always want to know the reason behind things. Why don't you just go with it? Leave me in peace and just go. You've bothered me enough."

Lisbon's jaw could have hit the ground. She stared at her subordinate and crossed her arms.

"Cho, what is this place?" she repeated angrily. "And tell me I'm bothering you again and you'll be on desk duty one month."

The Asian man frowned at her and shrugged.

"This is Wonderland, lady."

"Wonderland? Right" she snorted and put her hands on her hips. "And how do we get out of this place?"

"You follow the road to the Arachnidan Forest, young fool." Then he sighed: "You tired me with your questions, I'm going to sleep."

Lisbon stared at him wide eyed when the man simply curled in a ball and didn't budge anymore. She shrugged in annoyance and went on her way. He was not going to escape the paperwork tomorrow for sure!

-L-I-W-

For another hour, she followed the path. The scenery had changed in between; the trail was leaving the large flowered garden and continuing in a huge forest. She paused before passing the few first trees, wondering if it was a good idea. Then, she remembered she didn't have much of a choice and passed the entrance. Five minutes later, the light had considerably diminished. Lisbon was starting to wonder if it would be wiser to turn back; when she caught a blond reflection on the branch of a nearby tree. After second look, she recognized her annoying consultant. He was at least in his usual three piece suit and actually staring at her with his trademark smirk. No big chance, maybe she'd be luckier with him for once…

"Jane, what are you doing here? And why are you stuck in a tree?"

The blond man's smile stretched at inhuman length. Lisbon almost backed up at the sight. Beaming Jane meant troubles, but incredible wide-grinning Jane meant catastrophe and mountains of _paperwork_.

_Please tell me all of this is not a Jane stunt,_ she suddenly thought.

"I don't know who that Jane you're talking about is, but I am the Cheshire Cat" he replied cheerfully, sitting on the branch and making himself at ease. Lisbon tried hard not to panic. Nope, she wasn't crazy yet. She couldn't be crazy yet. This was just a dream.

"Ja…Cheshire Cat or whatever, just get down now!"

The man jumped with the frightening agility of a cat and landed on both feet perfectly. Little cat ears were swinging back and forth towards her and behind.

"What a lovely lady, lost in Wonderland" he said happily. "Better than that blond brainless and talkative teen from the other day. I think I got her lost in the woods to make her shut up."

As he spoke, his hand disappeared.

"How did you do that?" Lisbon asked, not trusting her eyes. Jane looked at his missing hand and grinned even more.

"I make myself disappear whenever I want my dear. Look! No more feet" his feet vanished. "No more hair" the blond curled left him bald "No more clothes" his suit started to fade away…

"Stop it I get it!" Lisbon screamed, covering her eyes with one hand. She didn't need to see a naked Jane right now. It would be the last drop confirming she _was _becoming crazy.

"Aw, what's wrong? Are you afraid of seeing a bare man?"

"Shut up" she retorted, stubbornly keeping her lids shut.

"Aw you're so cute when you're all embarrassed!" his voice had drawn closer. She desperately wanted to open her eyes, but what if he hadn't made his clothes reappeared? "You would be a little mouse; I bet you would be so…tasty. It makes me wanna try…"

Suddenly lips covered hers. She opened her eyes to be greeted by his blue, deep, and enchanted ones inches of hers. His hands settled on her hips and brought her closer to him. For a few seconds, she half-closed her lids and enjoyed the feeling but snapped back to reality when he tried to deepen it.

"J…Jane!" she protested weakly, moving her hands between their -_too close_- chests to push him away. She cursed herself when she thought his torso seemed comfortable enough to lay your head on it for a nap. The last thing made her realize he was still naked. Her cheek flushed red. Damn the cocky man.

"Meh, you enjoyed it as much as I did!" he exclaimed cheerfully.

"In your dreams jackass" she growled -_don't look down, don't look down- _staring at his face. They stood in silence a few minutes before her stomach hungrily grumbled. Jane's ears lowered as a disapproving expression appeared on his face.

"You haven't eaten yet? Well go over there" he pointed towards a nice wooden gate she hadn't noticed before. "My friends will give you some cake. But beware, don't drink their tea. They don't put milk in it."

Lisbon nodded, starting to feel tired with the whole turn of events. The blond man smiled again and kissed her cheek before whispering:

"I'll see you later, beautiful lady…"

The woman blushed furiously. His body disappeared, leaving the head floating in the air. Lisbon almost screamed when his face erased itself and was left the blue eyes and wide smile.

"Jane!" she yelled, almost freaking out.

"Follow the road my dear, you shall see the end!" he added before vanishing completely.

-L-I-W-

The gate opened as soon as she knocked on it. Behind, flashy lights of various colours suddenly blinded her a second. She had to narrow her eyes to let them get used to the unusual brightness. Once done, she didn't have to walk very long to notice a new fantasy. She had arrived in another garden, at standard size this time, where a huge and long table (she barely saw the other side!) took most of the place. Over the napkin, cakes and jelly and candy and everything a fan of sugar could dream of was displayed in various disproportionate plates and dishes. At the very end of the table, two persons –she recognized Van Pelt and Rigsby with difficulty- were sitting on huge couches, drinking in cups, each with a half-full plate settled next to a fork and knife. When they noticed her, they literally jumped on their feet.

"Welcome!" Rigsby said cheerfully, waving to her enthusiastically. "I am the Mad Hatter! Sit here, sit here please! We don't have many guests nowadays!"

Lisbon reluctantly settled in a brown leather couch, similar to Jane's in the office. She turned to the redhead, expecting –hoping- for explanations of some sorts.

"I am the March Hare" Van Pelt said on the same tone, her long rabbit ears twisting towards her –and Lisbon knew it was another desperate case. She took a teapot and offered her some tea. Lisbon shook her head in refusal, and that seemed to upset the man.

"Oh c'mon young lady" Rigsby insisted. "Please have some tea! It's delicious!"

"If you don't, the Mad Hatter will be disappointed" and the redhead added with a conspirator tone: "The Cheshire Cat always mocks him on the quality of the tea."

"He says he needs more milk and unnecessary ingredients in it!" Rigsby complained. "Real tea is hot water and leaves. You sure you don't want to try?"

Lisbon stood up and walked back towards the gates in disbelief, ignoring the grumbling of her stomach. She was just fed up now.

"I've heard enough. Enjoy your mad tea party alone" she growled at them, not noticing they had already forgotten her and were battling over a piece of cake.

-L-I-W-

She couldn't believe it. Two hours earlier, she was in her office, filling papers, then she saw that white rabbit and decided to follow it like an idiot. Now she had a smoking Cho, a crazy Rigsby and Van Pelt drinking awful tea and a teasing Jane (her worst nightmare) that kissed her and disappeared right after. So much for a peaceful night. The path continued its way under a huge decorated entrance surrounded by huge hedges.

She didn't have time to knock at the door, the gates opened and the white rabbit stormed out of it, followed by running…game cards…with human head and armed with spares. She leant against the closest tree and sighed tiredly. Everything was fine. Nope, nothing abnormal. She was thrown in a weird world were her co-workers behaved like cartoon characters and meeting weird creatures, but everything was fine.

Another set of cards went out, followed this time by two 'normal' people: Minelli and Hightower, wearing long outfits spotted with hearts. When was this comedy going to stop?

"Boss?" she called tentatively. The black-skinned woman stopped in her tracks and stared at her, annoyed.

"Who are you, woman?" Hightower asked with an even sharper tone than usual. Lisbon had to resist the temptation of barking back –no-one but Jane called her woman!- and answered in a cool tone:

"What is this all about boss? Someone decided to play carnival around and didn't tell me? Seriously I'm getting tired of all this nonsense."

Hightower huffed and turned her head away in immediate disinterest.

"She's boring. Soldier, behead her."

Lisbon blinked.

"Say what?"

"Soldiers, behead this annoyance!" Hightower repeated, addressing to the human-playing cards. Lisbon glanced at Minelli, eyes pleading for an answer. The man shrugged and put a hand on the arm of his…'wife' and gestured towards the soldiers to stop them.

"Dear Queen, let this woman speak. She looks a little bit lost."

"Nonsense" Hightower replied dryly, eyeing her in despise. "Why would she be lost? No-one is lost in Wonderland. Anyway, since my husband wants it, go ahead, explain your rudeness."

Lisbon didn't know what to do. So she explained her situation, starting from her filling files in her office, then seeing a strange speaking rabbit in white, then falling in a hole and landing on a leaf, then following a path and her encounter with Cho –"ah, the caterpillar" Minelli said, nodding- then Jane in the trees –"The Cheshire Cat" Hightower snorted. "Guards, don't forget to behead him if you meet him." – then the Van Pelt and Rigsby battling during a tea party, and her way up to the front gate of the castle. During her speech, Minelli stared at her in wonder, Hightower yawned and the rest paid careful attention to the Queen, ready to take her orders. Once she was done, the black woman stared at her 'husband' and said:

"Isn't she boring? She just storms out of nowhere and speaks of nonsense. What's see-bee-eye? Don't you think it's another trap from the Mad Hatter and the March Hare? They had joined that filthy cat in his plotting against me recently!"

"I am not plotting against anyone" she protested venomously. "You're always the one on my back, making sure I keep Jane in line and…"

"You are insinuating my Queen is complotting against you?" Minelli asked, bemused. "That's a first."

"I told you she was going to be boring and nothing else" Hightower growled. "I've heard enough. Soldiers, behead her _now_."

A large handful pack of aces ran to surround her. Sensing the immediate danger, her hand flew to her hip before noticing she hadn't taken her gun with her. As the bunch of inhuman creatures pointed their spare on her before charging, she could only wonder if she was going to wake up before dying…

"Oh, this is no manners to treat a lady."

If he hadn't startled her by appearing out of nowhere by her side, Lisbon would have hugged the blond consultant. His sudden arrival made the human-cards pause and glance at the Queen, waiting for orders. Hightower's reaction was immediate.

"Cheshire Cat!" she roared. "I knew this girl was an accomplice!"

Jane didn't bother talk to the Queen, and ignoring the cards surrounding them, took Lisbon by the waist and hoisted her on his left shoulder.

"Jane?" she babbled, not understanding his move.

"Enjoy the trip my dear, it won't last long!" Jane grinned, holding her tight. "You might want to close your eyes, this might be frightful."

Without asking why, she obeyed. She felt him crouch and jump. And jump. And jump. And never fall. Her suddenly felt she was in an elevator, so she opened her eyes…and chucked when she realized they were slowly rising in the sky. When they finally steadied, he started walking. In the air. He didn't let her down though.

"Jane!" she protested, gripping his suit firmly and trying not to look downwards. "Stop carrying me! I can march alone!"

Jane stopped and, contrary to what she thought, didn't put her down.

"No you can't. My invisible platform is my own personal use. Or do you want me to drop you over a big forest full of giant spiders?" he asked agreeably.

"Spiders?" she repeated in disbelief.

"It's not called the 'Arachnidan Forest' for peanuts" Jane shrugged, and added at her disbelieved gaze. "You just didn't get further enough to cross them."

"Ok, ok, don't let me down" she growled in reply.

"Your desire is my commend milady!" he beamed, rearranging her position again. "Or should I say, your wishes are your dreams commend."

Before she could reply anything, they were off again. Jane's pace was regular and slow, yet she wasn't quite comfortable at the thought a hundred feet were below them. She stood quiet, not looking down, and trying to be stable on his shoulder. When he started humming, she asked:

"When are we going back on ground?"

Jane stopped and looked down.

"Right now!"

The fall went as fast as the raise. Jane just jumped off his invisible platform and gravitation took back its laws. Lisbon had feeling of being stuck in a wild elevator and clenched to his jacket in hope this was just a nightmare. When his feet touched the ground, he dropped her unceremoniously next to him and sighed.

"So hot after exercise…I should take off a few things…"

On her side, Lisbon was far less concerned by his welfare and more about the bruise that would be soon forming on her hips. She raised her head and glared at him:

"Jane, couldn't you have been softer on the landing…"

She paused. Here she was, sitting on the ground, facing a now very bare Jane grinning with all his might. All anger forgotten, her cheeks flushed red and this time, her eyes uncontrollably set in between his legs.

"Quite large huh?" he beamed proudly.

"Shut up Jane!" she snapped, wishing she could disappear in a hole underground, and fast. If this was a dream, like he said, it could happen, right?

He stepped closer shamelessly, offering her a better view and Lisbon could just suddenly wish the Jane at her office was built all the same. If they were ever to date, it could be interesting to see if there were similarities between the two…She kinda wished there were some.

_Lisbon? _

A familiar voice resonated in her head, and she looked around, searching for the source. No-one was in sight. Her environment turned into pitch black.

_Hey Lisbon?_

Lisbon opened her eyes.

-L-I-W-

"Lisbon?"

The close-up shot of Jane's face, only inches of hers, made her jumped out of her chair. Her uncalculated gesture made her fall on the floor. Hard. When she looked around, she was in her office with a Jane staring at her oddly.

"Lisbon? Are you all right?"

She blinked once, twice, before looking around. She was in her office, the lights through the windows indicated it was early morning and the smell of coffee waving off the mug on her desk assured her she was not surrounded by playing cards ready to behead her, and Jane was safely and fully clothed.

"Lisbon?" he repeated, taking a step closer.

"I'm fine!" she squeaked and jumped on her feet. "Fine, fine! Just…just those files driving me crazy…your fault again…paperwork and all…"

"You fell asleep on your desk?"

Lisbon sighed and stood up, brushing away the non-existing dust on her pants.

"I'm fine. Thanks for the coffee."

Jane nodded and stared at her with slight worry. She held his glance and smiled softly.

"It's nothing, just a stupid dream. I was in Wonderland, like the movie."

He nodded again. Suddenly, a grin appeared on his face and he came one step closer.

"By the way, what's the large thing you hope the Cheshire Cat and I have in common?"

She spitted out the coffee she just drank and glared at him. A picture of the fantasy Cheshire Cat Jane in all his glory invaded her mind. And knowing Jane, he had certainly witnessed her sleeping before waking her up. Had she talked? Had she mentioned…_Censured_ she warned her subconscious. One thing was sure, she would not forget the sight of March Hare Van Pelt, Mad Hat Rigsby, Caterpillar Cho, Queen of Hearts Hightower and King Minelli. Even less Cheshire Cat…

"Get. Out. Now. Jane" Lisbon growled lowly, cheeks reddening. He left the office chuckling, as if knowing what she was thinking. She sat back on her chair behind her desk and sighed. Her elbow hit something. The Alice in Wonderland DVD she had borrowed from Van Pelt.

Lisbon growled inwardly and swore it was the last time she was watching cartoons while baby-sitting her niece.

* * *

**Told you this was nonsense. And I ****swear I haven't seen Tim Burton's! (Though I heard it wasn't bad). For those who might wonder what Cho was singing, it's 'Nature Boy'. Don't ask me why this one, I don't know myself xD**

**Thanks for reading****! **

**(do you mind leaving a 2 seconds review by the way?xD)**


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